Oh No, Here Comes The Duck...

“Oh no, here comes The Duck...”

This was a very common phrase for the animals in the forest. Always said with lament and annoyance. No one was ever happy to see The Duck. 

The Duck was the town goon. The Duck was vulgar and crude and rude and mean and any other word you could think of to describe a general ne’er-do-well would probably also apply to The Duck. 

The citizens of the forest were fed up with The Duck. He never seemed to take the hint that all he needed to do was stop being such a goon and the other forest creatures would maybe get to know him and learn to like him. This seemed a pretty simple request. However, regardless of how many chances the citizens of the forest gave The Duck to prove himself, he just never seemed to care enough to change the perception of himself as a no-good, never-gonna-get-better, goon. 

The thing about The Duck that made him even worse was that he genuinely didn’t seem to care whether people liked him or not. He never cared if he ever hurt anyone’s feelings or if he was being mean. He carried himself only for himself. To hell with the rest of the world. 

It was just not in The Duck’s nature (or any duck’s nature) to even consider not being a goon. 

Today, some birds were feasting on homemade bread. They each took turns nibbling on the bread, sharing with each other, so everyone had a chance to eat their fill. Unfortunately, that's when they saw The Duck, in the pond, swimming towards them. They knew they were in for some unpleasantness. 

“Oh no, here comes The Duck...” One of the birds said. 

“Just ignore him, maybe he’ll go away”

“I hate The Duck.”

"The Duck sucks!"

“That’s a bad attitude,” the Littlest Bird chirped. 

Having never encountered The Duck before, the Littlest Bird was confused as to why everyone was saying such mean things. 

“Maybe The Duck is just hungry?” Added the littlest bird.

The other birds didn’t respond to the Littlest Bird. They knew the Littlest Bird had no idea what it was talking about, which made the Littlest Bird feel bad but also determined to prove the other birds wrong. They all watched as the Duck swam closer and closer to shore. 

The Duck got out of the water and, despite his instincts, did not shake all the water off of himself as he exited the water. The Duck made its way to the bread, soaking.

“Hi Duck, would you like to try some of the bread?” The Littlest Bird asked, before any of the other birds could say anything. 

The Duck, still wet from the pond smiled at the Littlest Bird and said,

“How thoughtful of you, I’m famished I’d love to try some.”

This caught all the birds off-guard. They had never seen The Duck say anything even remotely this polite.

The Duck leaned in and took a nibble. 

“Wow it’s good bread, thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

The Duck turned around to head back to the pond. Curiously, once he turned he didn’t start walking towards the pond. He just stood there for a moment. Then, he stuck his fanny out towards the bread and violently started shaking so that all of the water in his feathers which he had carried over from the pond now landed all over the bread. Making it soggy and inedible. 

The birds knew it. The Duck was a goon after all. 

The Duck threw his head back and begin laughing and laughing and laughing as he made his way back to the pond. 

“I can’t believe that just happened,” said the Littlest Bird, who was now starting to see why everyone didn’t want The Duck to join them. “Are all ducks this mean?”

“All ducks are rude,” the birds answered, “but The Duck is as bad as they come.”

Now at the edge of the pond, The Duck turned around one last time, put his wing on his nose and wriggled it at the birds, neener-neener-neener, one last time before getting in the pond to swim off. 

“We don’t like you, The Duck!”

“What’s even the point of ducks? They can fly and swim but they're not particularly great at either!”

“You think you’re so cool and calm, but we all know you’re working real hard below the surface! You’re not fooling anyone!”

As The Duck swam away he heard the taunts recede into the background. But, unlike you or I, who might get our feelings hurt by these mean things The Duck actually enjoyed hearing them. He knew he had gotten under the birds’ skin and that’s all he had wanted to do anyway.