Ronnie Riches Takes The Fifth

Ronnie Riches, a very famous Rhinoceros, was visiting the forest on a promotional tour for his latest venture. RR, as most of you are probably familiar with, was one of the wealthiest animals in the world and always had his hands in different money-making enterprises. Despite his great wealth and success, he made sure to tout his rags-to-riches story every chance he got.

On this particular promotional tour, local reporter Maryanne, a Cat, was given the opportunity to interview Ronnie Riches. Maryanne was an old-school reporter. Hard-nosed, relentless, diligent, and steadfast. These qualities kept Maryanne out of lock-step with mainstream journalists and as a result, she worked at her local paper and made a decent living that she was proud of.

What follows is an unedited transcript of the interview, it has not been edited for length or clarity.

Maryanne: Thank you for joining me today Mr. Riches.

RR: Please, call me Ronnie.

Maryanne: Of course. Now Ronnie, tell me more about the newest venture of yours.

RR: Actually, if we could go back, I think I'd actually prefer if you called me Ronnie Riches.

Maryanne: Sure, whatever you'd like.

RR: Could... Could you say it now, just so I know how it sounds?

Maryanne: You need me to say your own name to you?

RR: Well, it's just that I've come from such humble beginnings that I sometimes need to be reminded of who I am.

Maryanne: So you forget who you are if you don't hear your name?

RR: Well, when you're as humble as I am it's sometimes a detriment to you. Others don't recognize that being humble is really my biggest gift to the world.

Maryanne: How's that?

RR: I am, with the right accounting, the richest animal in the world. And yet, you don't hear me telling people that.

Maryanne: Is that right?

RR: Absolutely, unless I tell everyone that I'm, with the right accounting, the richest animal in the world no one would know. And that's how I prefer it if I'm being honest. I think it's best to just go about my life without drawing any attention to the fact that I'm the richest animal in the world.

Maryanne: With the right accounting...

RR: Exactly. You get it, I like you, Marine.

Maryanne: It's Maryanne.

RR: Do you mind handing me that water?

Maryanne: Sure.

RR: Thanks. So like I was saying, I've never been handed anything in my life. I've worked for everything I have.

Maryanne: Well, there are some reports that you began your career with the help of several multi-million dollar loans. Backed by collateral from your wealthy family.

RR: Where did you hear that?

Maryanne: Is that characterization inaccurate?

RR: Am I allowed to lie in an interview?

Maryanne: ... Um, no...

RR: Really?

Maryanne: Yeah, it's a specific law... here...

RR: Well then I choose to take the fifth on that question.

Maryanne: Very well. What do you attribute some of your great success to?

RR: Well here's the thing Marie, I'm a self-made billionaire. I started with nothing and built an empire. I never took anything from anyone, never had any connections, and never had any help with money.

Maryanne: So are you saying that the reports of the multi-million dollar starter loans are false?

RR: Come on M, I told you I'm taking the fifth on that.

Maryanne: What about the allegation that you've only taken over companies that already existed and haven't actually created new value for the world?

RR: What kind of journalist are you? I mean seriously, you have all the facts? That's totally irresponsible!

Maryanne: How's that irresponsible?

RR: I'm going to take the fifth.

Maryanne: Maybe that's what I'll title my article. Ronnie Riches Takes The Fifth.

RR: That's a pretty good title, could you leave out all the stuff about me taking the fifth though?

Maryanne: No.

RR: Would you do it for 50,000 dollars?

Maryanne: Hmmm, that's more tempting than I wanted it to be...

RR: You know what you could always do? Just say, Ronnie Riches, I'll take the fifth!

Maryanne: Hmmm...

RR: You know you wanna...

Maryanne: Ronnie Riches, I'll take the fifth!