Move Your Ass!

Three small friends, one a Fox, one a Bear, and one a Frog, were hanging out together at their little league baseball practice.

The coach was doing pop fly drills and would hit soaring fly balls to the next kid in line so they could learn to:

‘Spot the ball!’

‘Take your first step back!

‘Get under it!!’

And most importantly,

‘Move Your Ass!!’

The three friends knew that ‘Move Your Ass’ was the most important thing their coach was trying to teach them because he would say it over and over and over again. There wasn’t a single drill or a single throw or a single aspect of baseball that, at least according to their coach, didn’t require you to Move Your Ass.

The Bear, Burgie, was up next in the pop fly line. He stood facing his coach waiting for him to be told he needed to Move His Ass when it occurred to him that the phrase missed out on a very key issue... the timing of when he was supposed to move his ass.

Sure, it was implied that Move Your Ass meant immediately, right now. But it seemed like a very minor tweak to say Move Your Ass ASAP, for instance.

Burgie looked at the Fox and the Frog, “I’m going to try something and see what happens,”

“What is it?” Replied the Frog.

“Will it be funny?” The Fox asked.

“Not necessarily, I think if it goes over well it will expose a flaw that has as of yet been overlooked in one of the most important things we’re supposed to learn here,” Burgie explained.

“Okay! Burgie! You ready?” The coach called from far away, “Here it comes, get ready to Move Your Ass!”

The Coach hit a soaring fly ball to Burgie, one that he could have easily gotten under and fielded. But Burgie did not move.

He stood there. Waiting for more concise instructions. Bent over with his glove in front of him in the ready position.

The whole team watched as the ball sailed and landed in the grass.

“What the hell was that Burgie? You didn’t even move!! That was an easy one!”

“Well, Coach I’ve been meaning to tell you that sometimes your instructions could be a little clearer!” Burgie called back, “You tell us to move our ass but don’t indicate a time! Maybe next time you could say move your ass now! Or move your ass asap, I think is pretty good too! Whaddya say?”

Burgie looked back at his friend and smiled. He didn’t need any appreciation for what he had just done to help his whole team (and the Little League Baseball world at large) by discovering this loophole in its most important rule. He was happy to be of service.

The Frog and the Fox looked at Burgie like it was his last day on Earth. Burgie was confused. He turned around to see the Coach looking at him, furious.

“I’ll tell you when you’re going to Move Your Ass, Burgie” the Coach began, deceptively calm, “RIGHT NOW! Give me three laps around the field RIGHT NOW!! Go Burgie! MOVE YOUR ASS!!!”

Burgie quickly took off and started running his laps. The coach was pretty clear that time about when and exactly how he was supposed to move his ass. But, no one ever gave Burgie the credit he deserved for bringing that long overlooked and much needed specificity to the game of little league baseball.